Scope Response 10

Did you ever notice that some people seem to be addicted to falling in love over and over again? While they may truly have a natural propensity to exult in the beauty of a great variety of their fellow humans, I also suspect that their addiction serves as an excuse for them to fall in love with themselves over and over again. At least in part, each new romantic partner is a pawn in their strategy for coming back home to themselves. Here's what I'm inclined to ask these people: Why not simply eliminate the middleman or middlewoman? I'm not necessarily implying that you'll benefit from this advice right now, Pisces. But then why did a soft, lulling voice in my head just suggest that I tell it to you?

Love love love. Falling in love over and over again? Yeah I've done that. Several times with at least three prominent female friends. Is this an excuse to fall in love with myself over and over again? Possibly. Is it a way to "come home" to myself. That's more accurate I would say.
There have been many girls, women, females who I believed were "the one for me" the Girl of My Dreams. There are three that stand out amongs the rest.

The first, I fell in love with my freshmen year in high school. She was the friend of a friend whose house I was spending the night in as the last hurrah for the summer before going to the big high school. It was lucky that my friend was two years older and offered to introduce me to all of his friends. Then he told me about this girl, and while a cannot remember exactly how he described her a small voice in my head said: She will be mine. I will be-friend her and she will choose me over him. In the first week of school I met her, she was the most amazing person I had ever met. The three of us went to a football game. She and I just seemed to click "like peas and car-rots." We literally talked the whole night while my other friend suddenlt became the third wheel of sorts. For the next few weeks and months it became a real life version of "The Doggone Girl is Mine". But my friendship with the girl just grew and grew. We became inseparable and up until my sophmore year during which it was just the two of us because our mutual friend had graduated.

The is girl was everything I wanted to be she was an artist, a mathmatical genius, she took advanced Spanish and Calculus and art. She never slept and hardly ever ate. I think she was vegetarian or tried to be as much as the crap school lunch provided. "Just potatoes" was her usual meal. She had dark hair, blue eyes, white skin, and I thought she was the most fascinating thing. One day after I had attempted (badly) to woo her with carnations and a badly plagarized Beatles song(she loved the Beatles) She told me in a letter "implored" me to find "good soil." Since that day I have spend long hours wondering just WTF she meant but I think I have an inkling and have only begun to discover the many faceted mystery those two words presented.
In recent year, the Beatles has become my favorite band. I've explored the art field and continue to do so. And now I am taking math classes again and finding that I actually like doing it. Okay, I'd rather do anything than math but I find when I do it, it's really not all that difficult to understand it just requires practice. I desire more than ever to see her and talk to her again. Part of me wonders if I am going to fall in love with her again even for a moment. If seeing and talking to her again means exploring the possibilities or if it's jsut a chance to reconnect to someone I still hold as someone who has qualities that I lack or have yet to unlock or just have to will myself to engage. If you read this and you know who I am talking about and you have seen or have contact information for her please do not hesitate to e-mail, message, Facebook, whatever to me. Her name is Chris Feild and I would love to see her again even if its to share a brief moment.

The second is the sister of one of my best friends, I fell in love with her in the Spring of my sophmore year and tried to ask her to every dance or event I could up until my Senior Prom. In most cases we had little or nothing in common except Marching Band, choirs and all the little adventures and inside jokes that go with that. Looking back, I'd say while at the time I would say I was so madly in love with her and for the most part I just didn't understand why. She was closest that I ever saw as the girl in the movie that is so beautiful and seemingly perfect in her own way that it- okay, the only thing I can compare it to is Dumb and Dumber which was my favorite comedy at that time and the whole infatuation of Lloyd to Mary is pretty much the way I felt about Ally. She was merely the inspiration for crazy fantasies which I won't delve into.

And Third, is the one that I have mentioned many times in past blogs, journals. She introduced me to the world of magic, dreams, wishes, ghosts, and 80's culture. At the time our freshman year of college- I was first introduced to places, people, situations, ideas, conflicting views, obnoxious roommates, haunted dorm rooms and a security guard who was prehaps the first of many teachers(other than fic-tional characters) who actually peeled back the fabric of the illusion we call "the real world"). I would never delved so deeply into those long nights and stuff that sent my "weird-shit-o-meter" into the red had I not found myself drawn night after night to her door and to her face and her magnetic energy. I wanted that energy, that ability to see what cannot be seen by "normal" eyes.

Here's what I'm inclined to ask these people: Why not simply eliminate the middleman or middlewoman? I'm not necessarily implying that you'll benefit from this advice right now, Pisces. But then why did a soft, lulling voice in my head just suggest that I tell it to you?

So, instead of pining over some psuedo-sister who while beautiful and unique and amazing in their own right, and being attracted to the things that I see in them that I lack or that I wish to possess, I should figure out which qualities I lack in myself, spends some time reflecting on my short-comings, the things I want and the things I need and the things that no one else can give me but my own Inner Self. In recent years the people that possess the qualities and demonstrate them in public talks, radio talk shows, or in books are spiritual teachers who have shown me more doors and pathways to the Inner Light as any beautiful princess or queen of all my dreams.

Consider also the words of Ledd Zepplin in the song "Going to California" searching for a "the girl out their with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair." I think I went to California in search of the girl- but instead found "the path the runs straight and high." And heard that soft lulling voice. A voice easily covered by TV, video games, FEAR (Fantasies, Exuses, Addictions, Regrets). A voice which is buried now in a layer of shit and cries to be set free.