Scope Response #1

It's a ripe time to revise and rework your past, Pisces. I'll trust you to make the ultimate determination about how best to do that, but here are some possibilities. 1. Revisit a memory that has haunted you, and do a ritual that resolves it and brings you peace. 2. Return to the scene of an awkward anomaly that remains unsettled, and finally do a duty you neglected. 3. Make your way back to a dream you wandered away from prematurely, and either re-commit yourself to it, or put it to rest for good. 4. Dig up and contemplate a secret that has been festering, and come to a decision about what you can do to heal it.

This one is a doozy. Revise and rework your past. This I have done many times in the course of my life.

1. Revisit a memory that has haunted you, and do a ritual that resolves it and brings you peace.

There is a memory that comes to mind. From early childhood. Kindegarden. I had afternoon kindergarden so my parents sent me to Debby's house for morning day care. Over by Ridgemont Drive. Several other boys. We would play in basement. Debby has a son, Michael who was a meanie. Probably the first of many nemesees in my school and work career. Pushed me into a wall sneering because I confused a Y-Wing with a B-Wing on my Star Wars T-shirt(didn't make sense then. doesn't make sense then). Wish I could go back in time like Back to the Future and tell my younger self to stand up to him, push him back, deck him.

Around same time, Debby yelled at us for getting out toys when we weren't supposed to or something(probably not acceptable Nanny behavior by today's standards). Asked all of us who got the toys out or who was playing with them. One of the boys we'll call him Dougie, pointed me and said "he did it" Instead of speaking out and saying "It wasn't me" I stayed quiet and put the toys away anyway. From what I remember from Psych 101, this probably started a pattern of avoidance, silent suffering, and accepting shit that comes my way rather than speaking out, complaining, or refusing to do it.

Memory comes to mind sometimes. Especially in similar situations where I am stuck doing something or cleaning up after a mess that isn't mine. Which I think results in my inability to clean up my own messes(literally and metaphorically) or take control of my own shit. Cashier at the Big Blue Bastard(a.k.a. Wal-Mart) as opposed to the Big Red Asshole, Target) told me "I have to learn to stick up for myself" and not let other associates make me do all the work or go out on lot when it's cold and rainy outside.

My ritualistic response is "I have to learn?" I'm 30. Not 13. I know when to stick up for myself and how. I don't always do it but I have also learned that it is better to shut up and do it because humility, kindness, and honesty are higher qualities than ego-driven reactions like scapegoating, lying to get out of something, or resisting with negative emotional outbursts(like my "fuck you" to Mrs. Desdemon). I could have lied to my History teacher about turning my paper in, but I didn't, I probably could have and should have, but I didn't because honesty is still the best policy.

I think writing this counts as resolving this memory into something positive.

2. Return to the scene of an awkward anomaly that remains unsettled, and finally do a duty you neglected.

Hmm, I'll come back to this one.

3. Make your way back to a dream you wandered away from prematurely, and either re-commit yourself to it, or put it to rest for good.

I think this refers to my dream of writing for film. Getting paid to do what I do best. Imagine. Although this brings up another point mentioned in Rob's Pronoia book. That in the course of several years, there has been an assault on my imagination. Fear-based media, rigid right wing conservative religious righteous fanatics, atheisitic left wing liberal atheistic philosophical assouls,
more detailed mind blowing video games, more self-promoting websites like MySpace, Friendster, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and more. What I call mememe sites. We get addicted(and I have done my share of self-promotion projecting my interests and blogging about whatever I think is relevant to my life and thinking someone else really gives a shit what I think) The truth is all these things are ways to serve mememe and not them them them. How to make the change - the REAL change we need - is the hard question.

And see. I have wandered from my dream again. I still have a series of movies I want to write, that I feel have been given to me through dreams by characters, either real people who need their stories told or fragment s of my own psyche that need a voice. I know the characters. Most of them as well as I know my friends and my family. It is a disservice to allow them to fade into nothingness. I do plan to recommit myself to this dream. After I finish at Carroll, get my AA, then I. I want to go to film school for my BFA. I think it is what I want to do more than anything. Whenever I say "I want to be an art teacher" which is as much a lie as "I want to make it in the film industry", people ask "what kind of art". I think the answer is film. It's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, I've just neve devoted much time to actually filming anything. But since I was 3 or 4 watching Star Wars over and over and over again in the back room of The Video Exchange, I think that is my destiny to work in movies. To write. Maybe to direct. Who knows. It's still out there.

This realization has come to me much in the way that Andy Dufresne from The Shawshank Redemption does. He was an innocent man sentenced for life but he had to go to prison in order to become a crook. Likewise, I was not a filmmaker or Hollywood wannabe until I went to L.A. and discovered how much I love it there. How much I belong there. How perfectly my hand fits in George Lucas's hand print in front of Graumans Chinese. Something deep inside me has just awoken in my heart. Mostly it is sorrow for not being there, but also joy that I know without a doubt "what I want" and how I plan to get it.

4. Dig up and contemplate a secret that has been festering, and come to a decision about what you can do to heal it.

I'm going to go dig. Get back to that another day.


Hope you enjoy this Scope Response. It was very deep and personal for me. Feel free to go to freewillastrology.com or any horoscope you think speaks to you and write your own response. Post it here or on your own blog or whatever you choose. I owe you a Friday Review but I'll do that later as I have nothing to review- I am reading Alone Against Tomorrow, an anthology of short stories by Harlan Ellison.